So I’ve been in a bit of a retro mood as of late. And I mean serious retro, not like “Super Mario World” retro. Whippersnappers. Games that, as my wife laments continuously, are from before she was even born. And the best way to do that (without making a trek to the attic and trying to figure out how to convert a VHF adaptor to an HDMI plug) is Xbox Live’s Game Room, that plucky little devil that’s been out for a while now, peddling ancient Arcade, Atari, and Intellivision code to us in a system that has worked very successfully for the movie industry--selling our childhoods back to us.
As I’m playing marathon versions of the 2600 version of Millipede (and trying to quell that nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps going on about how I have it and a real trackball upstairs), it occurred to me that Microsoft has a nice little racket going on with this “free” game.
Okay, back up. If you missed the hype on Game Room, it’s a virtual arcade space on the 360 that has emulated code for original Arcade machines, and Atari 2600 and Intellivision cartridges. You can try the games out for 10 minutes free. After that, you shell out money for either a play session (40 MS points/50 cents), or for unlimited freeplay on Xbox or PC (240 MS points/3 dollars), or freeplay on both (400 MS points/5 dollars). Any games in your friends arcades are free to play as well, so clever distribution can earn you and your friends a lot of cut-rate quarter jockeying. But the most awesome part, if the advertising is to be believed, is that the main game is FREE!
The free game--okay, let’s call it what it really is, an emulator with better than average polish--grants your own arcade, which you can decorate any way you want. Sort of. The menus show you a large selection of arcade themes and items you can use to decorate…about half of which are locked off until you “Level Up”.
What’s that? Pseudo RPG elements in my emulator arcade? You bet! See, many items are awarded when your play profile Levels Up, and you level up by playing games and meeting certain targets for points in a sessions, length a session goes without ending, and total play time of the individual title. The targets come in three tiers and are awarded medals in a traditional scale of Bronze, Silver, and Gold. Each medal awards you a number of points (1, 3, and 5, respectively), and every twenty points you receive, you gain a level.
Simple enough, right? But that’s where this “free” game loses is freedom. See, should you be adamant enough to want to unlock everything and gain the maximum level of 20, you’ll need to buy the games. Now, I’ll admit I’m unclear on some facts, mostly because the damned things aren’t forthcoming. Seriously, Google ‘Xbox Game Room’ and you’ll get lots of adverts, press releases, and news stories, but very little in the way of solid mechanical information on how Game Room plays.
From what I can tell, the demo plays are non-medal awarding. I haven’t tried out the single play, for the same reason I don’t rent games--because I’m that guy, so no personal knowledge is available as to whether or not medals are available there. But if you can Gold Medal all three categories on the first try on multiple games, then Twin Galaxies wants to talk to you, and Billy Mitchell want to RUIN YOU! As for the friend arcade, no word on if those are medal-able, because all my Xbox Live friends were apparently born after the death of the arcades and have no idea how one block firing a block at another block equals the total breadth of combat in World War I. Whippersnappers.
Okay, math time. Remember, you have 20 levels, at 20 points a piece. A game will allow you up to three medals at five points apiece. Buying the game at 3 dollars each, to unlock the whole arcade will run a scant…
20 levels x 20 points each = 400 points
3 medals x 5 points each = 15 points
400 points / 15 points a game = 26 2/3 games, round up to 27
27 games x $3 each = $81 dollars
…
EIGHTY-ONE DOLLARS?! To get total access to my “free” game will cost me, bare minimum, eighty-one dollars. Assuming that the title actually has three available medals, as some of the Atari and Intellivision titles, particularly two player ones, only have one available medal (total play time). Then assuming that you have titles that you’re dedicated enough to triple gold all 27 (which, let’s face it, if you’re obsessed enough to want that level 20, you’re obsessed enough to triple gold 27 games). Either of those situations don’t apply, get ready to shell out MORE
Remember when Avatar Items hit the scene, and everyone ranted that it was foolish to pay real money for virtual clothing (then promptly ran out and dropped three bones on a Boba Fett mask). We’ve gone a step past it here. Avatar Items, you know right off the bat that you’re paying money for virtual crap, but the Game Room décor is presented as being free, but half of it requires that you pay far out the nose for.
And that my friends, getting you to pay money for free items, is a level of evil genius that even Bobby Kotick envies from his high throne on Coruscant.
